Emmy World Refugees Journal

... I am Dreamwriter, rather than Dreamseeker or Dreamer, I don't know...But that's what I've seen as my role in this life, this story. Perhaps that's why Song, Xemnas and I can see through the same eyes. Same eyes, different role all three of us.

I see just as much darkness and light as the next, still I am skeptical and questioning. I doubt. I fear. I am alone. But, I've always seen myself as alone. I'm Crow. The messenger, the voice between present and the past. The one who feels isolation and pain ever-present so to make the journey easy for others. To connect the worlds. To connect the lives.

"If time has a heart, it is only because other hearts stop."

Perhaps we're in an age where the three of us are far advanced to the current civilization, but the experience lives on. Existed since the gods and will exist forever more. There will always be a Dreamer, a Dreamseeker and a Dreamwriter. Just as there will ever be a Darkness to oppose Light and the Keybearer to reconnect the darkness and light. To bring things back to the center...to the beginning. The wheel begins again.

I've been trying to tap into my past... and my present.... I have a few openings with Crow...and with the plant-girl. But this is actually harder than I thought it would be. Hopefully, I can tap these a little more without ruining the relationship with them both...I just hope I can do this... The desire to connect is what remains in all my past. "I don't want to change. I want to stay together always. I want things to stay the same." Perhaps that'll be my downfall, but only time will tell.

( WR Playlist songs(includes the Three Days of Heart FST) )

Zipfile as of Aug 2 at MegaUpload(202.8MB) [now outdated]
Zipfile as of Aug 30 at MegaUpload (206.13 MB)
Individual links info to be added later, see note below
Emmy's Notes: Since I'm moving back to school on Sunday and we're not supposed to use filesharing networks, I'll only be working on getting individual links up onto a gmail account and posting the secret code and username. Only the list will be updated, any songs after "Ironic" will have to wait till around Dec 18 when I'm off for winter break. And I apologize for the zip not being dial-up friendly at all. x-x this RP has way too many songs. XD

For the zips from August, some songs you may need to download the OggVorbis Codec for some of the songs dependent on your computers. The next zip files will(a)be smaller and (b) have all songs in MP3 format. Also, I will TRY to have the music up before December since game end is soon. :D

Oct 4: song order got changed up again...x-X
Oct 20: guesstimated the disk divisions for zip files and corrected some of the "references"
last updated October 31 2008

"Dream, Believe, Dare, Do." -Walt Disney
"A hero is an ordinary individual who finds the strength to persevere and endure in spite of overwhelming obstacles." - Christopher Reeve
"A champion is someone who gets up when he can't." - Jack Dempsey
"When you do nothing, you feel overwhelmed and powerless. But when you get involved, you feel the sense of hope and accomplishment that comes from knowing you are working to make things better." - Pauline R. Kezer
"Champions aren't made in gyms. Champions are made from something they have deep inside them - a desire, a dream, a vision. They have to have last-minute stamina,, they have to be a little faster, they have to have the skill and the will. But the will must be stronger than the skill." - Muhammad Ali
"Sometimes our light goes out but is blown into a flame by another human being. Each of us owes our deepest thank to those who have rekindled this light." - Albert Schweitzer
"Your greatest gift lies behind the door named fear." - Sufi Scripture
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As to the reason for all the quotes? I'm working on some positive thinking. I think I did good, with what i did manage to get from the media in my area. I have ideas as to how utilize recent events...and I think it's both incredibly obvious that Jeremy was right in the first place and of course now i bash myself over the head because we SHOULD have followed his advice. We went in without a real plan...that was a stupid plan in general... ._.'

So... OOCly, I'm in brigits_flame. And today's Chatter Post was about this poem and the question: How do you choose between your flashlight and the dark places beyond?


and...this is my answer:

Honestly, the short answer is that it's always on, even when I claim it's off.

I have...little faith in humanity. I think part of this is thanks to my homelife and the homelife of my significant other's not being all that pleasant. There's neglect in my boyfriend's life...and for me, I've been the daughter on the pedestal. The Mulan of the family. The one who wants desperately to forge her own role, but instead tends to bumble in her parents requests. If only because "honor is a virtue". I'm everything my parents don't believe in... but I try SO hard.

I claim to be openminded, but more and more often... I'm afraid to step outside the tiny box I've given myself. I make friends with a lot of people. I disclose a lot of stuff. But, I'm not necessarily OPEN to what people are. I still shudder when I see the marks of people who are suicidal. I still shy away of people with a different skin color. ._. I jump when people are more outgoing than me.

sounds kinda like a few someones doesn't it?

I COMPLETELY blame the 3 Days of Heart logs for making me go back and look up songs for Song and Xemnas in Canon. :D This is...a rather "tragic romance" fst. Meaning it's just about as much romantic as it is full of angst. And a smattering of just about every type of music I listen to.

I'll upload the music and organize this later, this is just for my reference...and a placeholder. When the post title no longer says WIP, it'll be finished. :D


( Three Days of Heart: A Song x Xemnas Canon FST )

Duplicity. Duality. It's something I believe in a lot... It's...essential to Disney... to life.. .to everything. I believe it's necessary. For every positive thing, there must be a polar opposite. For every light, there must be a darkness. For every piece of nothing, there must be a piece of something. For every experience of love, there must be an experience of hate. For every piece of sadness, there should be happiness. For every belief, there must be a skeptic. For every knowledgeable person, there should be someone without knowledge.

This song I'm listening to is a tongue-in-cheek commentary on Alanis Morissette's career as well as the world in general. Youtube video here and lyrics here. Some of the clips in the video are embarrassing kid photos of her. It's a rather...cynical song, but it's catchy.

Once, after they had been wrestling and tumbling, Bastian sat down, somewhat out of breath, and said: "Couldn't I stay with you forever?"
The Lion shook his mane. "No master."
"Why not?"
"Here there is only life and death, only Perilin and Goab, but no story. You must live your story. You cannot remain here."

...I won't lie. I'm a little scared, but I need to start using my wishes as well now. I can't stay in my safe little cocoon here. This kind of existence isn't much more than a half-life.

I'm surprised I didn't recognize it sooner. But...we all take some time to truly see. Seems like I blinded myself with being useful and focusing on others rather than myself.

Looks like I'm going to have to see the queen sometime within the next week or two... and talk to the mages.

I really should be moving again...And..my goal, as scary as it seems right now...will be to go home. I need to stop running away.

When this ends, I'm not going to let myself forget. I might not be able to return physically, but...I may be able to return in my dreams.

...This quote made a lot of sense alongside the post I wrote the other day. Similar sentiments to before this adventure began...reminds me of what I said back in Traverse before the world was restored: "At home, it was a fairy tale to be here. Now, the thought of home feels more like a fairy tale."

"...No human has visited Fantastica,
For they no longer know the way,
They have forgotten how real we are
They don't believe in us anymore.
Oh, if only one child of man would come,
Oh, then at last the thing would be done.
If only one would hear our plea.
For them it is near, but for us too far,
Never can we go out to them,
For theirs is the world of reality." (sung by Uyalala; 101)

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"...And the more these visits enriched our world, the fewer lies there were in theirs, the better it became. Just as our two worlds can injure each other, they can also make each other whole again."(spoken by the Childlike Empress; 158)

You can't have one without the other...lies and fantasy are from the same source, like light and dark.

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"Master," the lion replied calmly. "Didn't you know that Fantastica is the land of stories? A story can be new and yet tell about olden times. The past comes into existence with the story."(210)

kind of self-explanatory. :)
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...And perhaps...the two quotes I think most important of all, I shall end on...

"How am I to find the way there?" asked Bastian."Isn't it too late?"
"There's only one wish that can take you there: your last."
Bastian was terrified. "Dame Eyola--all the wishes that have come true thanks to AURYN have made me forget something. Will it be the same with this one?"
She nodded slowly.
"But if I don't notice it!"
"Did you notice it other times? Once you've forgotten something you don't know you ever had it."
"What am I forgetting now?"
"I'll tell you at the proper time. If I told you now you'd hold onto it."
"Must I lose everything?"
"Nothing is lost," she said. "Everything is transformed." (366)

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"They are forgotten dreams from the human world," Yor explained. "Once someone dreams a dream, it can't just drop out of existence. But if the dreamer can't remember it what becomes of it? It lives on in Fantastica, deep under our earth. There the forgotten dreams are stored in many layers. The deeper one digs, the closer together they are. All Fantastica rests on a foundation of forgotten dreams."
......
"Listen to me, Bastian Balthazar Bux," he said. "I'm no great talker. I prefer silence. But I will answer this one question. You are looking for the Water of Life. You want to be able to love, that's your only hope of getting back to your world. To love--that's easily said. But the Water of Life will ask you: Love whom? Because you can't just love in general. You've forgotten everything but your name. And if you can't answer, it won't let you drink. So you'll just have to find a forgotten dream, a picture that will guide you to the fountain. And to find that picture, you will have to forget the one thing you have left: yourself. And that take hard, patient work. Remember what I've said, for I shall never say it again."(373).

To me, both of these quotes are about...how the hardest thing we must do in our lives...is to grow -- to change -- to let go of what we have. We 'lose' some things to change, but...they're never gone. They've become forgotten dreams, or they sleep somewhere inside us, behind a door we're afraid to open.

...I told her what I believe...what I feel.

We are so alike and yet so different. It's...strange. The only difference is alliance and a heart, and that is what makes all the difference.

Like her and Xemnas I believe that some doors were meant to be opened... I believe Sora is on the right track with closing doors because some doors were not meant to be opened...but some doors were not meant to be closed. Though to a lesser extent, I don't think the other refugees see the underlying metaphor of doors...and what I think opening doors means in my heart. I do not necessarily see the same definition. I see a wider view than either group does...though sometimes I feel Song is so close to the truth I see. I believe in melding...it is not a logical nor a rational argument, but one I believe so strongly. Paths may be chosen as alternates. I believe my choice is to walk as close on the line as I dare. To explore, to sacrifice, to gain...and perhaps...to have opened my mind enough to discover what no one else has thought of. What no one else is brave enough to see.

We talked the other day. About her other...About how to truly see and what blinds. About evolution and growing beyond boundaries. About current events. What it means to exist and definitions of existence. I told her about what I vaguely hinted at to Axel when he revealed himself as a Refugee...as one of us. That I soulbond. That fiction is real to me because I can feel fictional individuals as people. To an extent...I am fiction... A very strange fiction...But it is something I see the world through and one of many reasons I am...not easy to surprise. I accepted this as real from the beginning... It is no dream.

There must be some other path. I doubt the melding of the arguments of both The Dreaming and the other Refugees would bring happiness. So, there must be some other way besides the Dreaming...which I feel needs moderation now that I've reread Song's posts again and again.

Though Belegwen...is somewhat on the right path that love is the route to the heart...but I believe that in...the end...Kingdom Hearts...the ORIGINAL Kingdom Hearts IS Love AND Light. It's two sides of one coin. Light to me is the outpouring of Love that comes from Opening the Heart. In reality...for me...to open doors is to take down the walls that divide--to broaden vision, to broaden the mind, to broaden the heart ... Or in the case of nobodies in my opinion... to broaden the view of emptiness into a view of something..."Nothing is Everything and Everything is Nothing". That's a rough translation of a few lines from the Tao Te Ching.

I may be wrong. But this is the path I choose to seek, to prove my beliefs. There's only way to find out if my belief is real...That is to follow my heart, to accept what I find...and to live and to dream.